Learning that your partner is living with HIV or has been newly diagnosed can bring up questions and concerns about the virus and what it means for your partner, your relationship, and protecting your own health.
The first step is understanding what HIV is and how it is and is not transmitted
HIV is transmitted by contact with bodily fluids (such as semen, vaginal fluid, or blood) of a person with HIV, usually during unprotected sex or through sharing injection drug equipment. Unprotected sex means having anal or vaginal sex without a condom or not using medication to prevent or treat HIV.
How to react when a partner discloses that they are living with HIV
Your initial response to your partner’s disclosure is important. When someone decides to share their status with you, it can make them feel very vulnerable. You partner may look to you as their safe place. You should value and honor that feeling by first listening to and acknowledging what your partner is sharing. Let them lead the conversation and stay engaged. Ask them how you can support them and offer them reassurance about your relationship.
If your partner is newly diagnosed
Talking about their new status may be a sensitive topic for them. There may even be some concern about your own health. It’s best to stay focused on the moment and support your partner. Give them a hug and let them know that everything will be alright.
Depending on your partner’s viral load and your sexual practices (e.g. having unprotected sex), there could be a possibility that you were exposed to HIV. It is important to go your provider and get tested to learn your HIV status. If you test negative, you can explore options to lower your risk of acquiring HIV in the future (see U=U and PrEP below).
There are a number of things that you can do to support a partner living with HIV
Support their medication adherence: In order to stay healthy, people living with HIV must take their HIV medication as directed. Help your partner stay on top of their daily medications by reminding them, if needed. Let “have you taken your meds today?” become your love language and a way to show that you care about them and their health.
Let them know that they are not alone: Assure you partner that you are going to be there for them. Work with them to help develop a strong support system. Encourage your partner to try therapy or attend an HIV support group. Help them identify others that can support them, if possible. You do not have to have all of the answers or tools to support your partner. Just show up in the ways that you can.
Go to health provider visits with them: Attending provider visits with your partner may help them feel less alone in their journey with HIV. This also gives you the opportunity to ask the provider any questions or concerns you have regarding your partner’s health or your own.
Keeping Yourself Healthy
Undetectable=Untransmittable. When someone is diagnosed with HIV, their first step is to get into HIV care and taking HIV medication. When taken as directed, HIV medications help people reduce the amount of HIV in their blood (viral load) to a such a low level that it can’t be detected. This is called viral suppression or being “undetectable.” When someone living with HIV has an undetectable viral load, it’s almost impossible to transmit the virus through sex, and it also keeps them healthy. Attending health provider appointments, monitoring lab results, and taking HIV medications every day are all key to getting to undetectable and staying there.
Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP). If you may have been exposed to HIV within the past 3 days due to unprotected sex, PEP is an oral medication you can take to prevent the transmission of HIV. PEP is only effective if taken within 72 hours after exposure to HIV. It must be taken daily, or as otherwise prescribed, for 28 days. You can get PEP from the emergency room or from an HIV care provider.
Pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP). PrEP is a daily pill or bi-monthly shot that lowers the risk of getting HIV by more than 90%. PrEP is typically low cost or free through insurance coverage. Talk with your primary care provider if you are interested in using PrEP.
