How to React When Someone Tells You They are Living With HIV
An HIV diagnosis can be very scary and overwhelming for a newly diagnosed person and the people who care about them. People living with HIV will adjust to their diagnosis easier and quicker with the support of their family and friends, so it is important to be supportive if they decide to disclose their status to you. Judging or rejecting someone may make them feel isolated, worsen their mental health, and make a difficult time even more painful.
Quick Takeaways
- Someone who discloses their status with you is inviting you to be a part of their life.
- How you react will have an impact on their well-being and likely your relationship with them as well.
- There are many ways you can be there for your loved one, so specifically ask how you can support them.
Fears About HIV Transmission
Even today, some people incorrectly believe that HIV can be transmitted through casual contact. However, HIV is NOT transmitted by hugging, kissing, sharing plates, sharing drinks or food, sharing toilets or showers, or living together. These incorrect beliefs lead some people to treat their loved one like they are infectious or dangerous, which can stigmatize and isolate them when what they need is to feel supported and reassured.
How HIV is Transmitted
You can only get HIV by coming into direct contact with certain body fluids from a person with HIV who has a detectable viral load. These fluids are blood, semen (cum), pre-seminal fluid (pre-cum), rectal fluids, vaginal fluids, and breast milk. For an infection to happen, these fluids would need to come in contact with a mucous membrane or damaged tissue or be directly injected into the bloodstream (from a needle or syringe) of another person. Mucous membranes are found inside the rectum, vagina, penis, and mouth. Most people get HIV through anal or vaginal sex. It can also be transmitted by sharing needles, syringes, or other drug injection equipment.
How HIV is Not Transmitted
- By hugging, shaking hands, sharing toilets, sharing dishes, or kissing with someone who has HIV
- Through other sexual activities that don’t involve the exchange of body fluids (for example, touching)
- By mosquitoes, ticks, or other insects
- Through saliva, tears, or sweat
- Through the air
The Meaning of Disclosure
Due to stigma and mistreatment, many people living with HIV must be selective with who they disclose their status to. Some people choose to be out and vocal about their status, but many fear that their loved ones will reject them or treat them differently. It is important to recognize that someone who discloses their status with you is inviting you to be a part of their life and trusting that you will act caringly toward them.
Why did they take a long time to tell me?
It took a great amount of courage and reflecting to share their status with you. Not only did your loved one have to process what an HIV diagnosis meant, they most likely have already experienced some stigma, mistreatment, or discrimination for their status. They may be experiencing feelings of embarrassment, shame, fear, and anger, which are vulnerable emotions to share with anyone. How you react to their disclosure will have an impact on the wellbeing of your loved one.
Your reaction will likely impact your relationship with your loved one, either positively or negatively. However you react in that moment, your loved one will probably never forget it. Remember an HIV diagnosis is not about you, and your loved one will thrive more easily with your support and compassion.
Here are some tips to consider while processing an HIV disclosure to ensure you are being supportive:
- Reassure them that you will be there.
You may not know what to say to someone sharing their status with you, and that is okay. Tell them you are not quite sure what to say, but that you will be there with them in their journey with HIV.
- Listen instead of reacting.
There are many ways you can be there, so ask your loved one specifically about how you can support them.
- Educate Yourself.
Having a basic understanding of what HIV is like today and how exactly it works will address many concerns you have without relying on your loved one to do all the work. In your research, you will learn your loved one will live a healthy life and will be unable to transmit HIV to sex partners once they reach and maintain an undetectable viral load.
- Attend appointments with them.
The journey to reaching and maintaining an undetectable viral load can be challenging. Let your loved one know you are willing to attend HIV care appointments with them to provide emotional support if you are able to go in person.
- Support them with adherence.
You can also support them with taking their medications and staying healthy. Remind them to take their meds or check in on how taking their medications is going.
